I went to a shopping mall that lives nowhere near where I do. This wasn't just some funny little jaunt of mine, though, I went because I was out of underwear, out of towels, and by God, I was out of nuts. I cracked open the last walnut last week and said to myself "well that's the last walnut" and I started crying and crying and crying.
Well fuck me if the mall wasn't so confusing as to make a mime go "FUCK ME." There's, like, escalators and elevators and this nutshow of punch-faces THRONGING all over the place with their funny little smiles and their funny little asses just jutting out everywhere and making me sucks to their asthmars. I stood in the entrance watching this odd fucking display walking about like ants going to the zombie massacre for a good show. I saw a movie about that once.
So, I want to find some towels first, you know, I had a list and it said, very clearly, "underwear, towels, nuts." I couldn't go home without these things because the sink won't stop running and if I don't keep absorbing it, I'm going to get evicted. My foot is killing me like a nun kills satan and I just have to suck it up and walk inside.
I don't know when it got dark, but it did, and I hadn't found any towels. I had found some sweet motherfucking pretzels and a good many shoes and more dumbass punches than I could possibly count (like the stars, indeed, Kevin Costner!) but I didn't know where the god damned towels were kept. I went through, like, only HALF the stores in this place when they started trying to tell me that the mall was closing. They used one of those talking robots that way they didn't have to deal with me, but I'm not taking this shit. When I heard the robot start saying that it was time for the mall to close, I shouted up at it (wherever the invisible bastard lives) "OH FUCK NO, I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!"
Well I must have been screaming for a while because then the uniformed guys show up. I rolled my eyes to show them that I was too good for this bullshit (like they ever even care about what you feel) and they started like they were going to punch me in the face, you know (oh the irony), when this woman shows up and asks me if I need help. She's, like, young, but not too young, you know, and I was like "what?" and she asks again if I need help because I look lost and she's talking to me like I'm a retard so I think, oh this is going to be JUST THE TICKET. I don't want to embarass her for treating me like I'm stupider than I think so I start acting retarded like she thinks I am and say, like, I need towels, but I did it in this retard language and I tried to act real concerned about how I would get evicted. She clucks her tongue at the uniforms and says "come on, let's see what we can do with you."
Well, as anyone who's ever watched one of those funny-shows on TV probably knows by now, I'm fucking fucked because I have to act fucking retarded all the time I'm around this stupid bitchity fuck. She leads me by, like, the hand, to her fucking giant car (it's, like, huge, I meant to say) and tells me to go ahead and get inside. I tell her in this retard voice that I'm fucking hungry and I'm out of walnuts and then, well, I started crying because I was really that sad when I told her about the walnuts, I was FUCKING OUT OF WALNUTS!
Then I figure since I'm being honest it's time to come clean. I looked at her as she starts the car, "don't worry," she says, "we'll take care of you" and shit like this because I'm crying. I tell her "I'm not retarded, I'm really not retarded." She looks at me like I've said the best thing in the world and says "of course you're not." "NO I'M NOT RETARDED!" I say, trying to get through to her because she clearly is not fucking listening to me. "I know you're not sweetie," she says the condenscenion coming out of her like acid out of a spider. "I'M NOT RETARDED AND I'M OUT OF WALNUTS!" I shout and start crying again.
She’s driving now and I don’t know where the hell she thinks she’s taking me, unless it’s to, like the retard home or something. I am tickled by this and I start laughing. She looks at me and is like “what’s so funny?” and that makes me laugh harder and I start pounding my knee, like really hard and she starts laughing too because, I guess, she finally got how dumb this all was and we’re laughing and laughing and laughing and then the car stops and we’re in this driveway.
We go inside and I see that we’re in this house and I notice that there’s all sorts of crosses and shit on the wall and pictures of Jesus and then a fucking cat (no seriously, A FUCKING CAT) comes walking up to me like I’m it’s fucking savior myself and rubs its shit on my leg. “Here we are,” this girl says and I have this sickening feeling growing in my stomach. Oh fuck me, it’s a fucking missionary. A lonely one at that. I can’t fuck a missionary! If you fuck a missionary, you’re dipping your dick into Jesus’s juice and you transubstantiate yourself into a husband with a bad combover and fucking convictions and, worse, a FUCKING CAT.
Well she tells me to make myself at home, so I figure, let’s get this shit over with and I drop my pants and she starts laughing again and she says “oh looks like you’re right at home, aren’t you?” She offers me some tea, like it’s no big deal, and when I sit on the couch, she makes like to stop me but then thinks it over and thinks it’s all right. I don’t know what the fuck was going on with that. She let me use her computer and sort-of got impressed at how I used the computer so well. “Who taught you how to do this?” she asked me and I told her my father and she nodded like that meant anything at all.
“Let me tell you about another kind of father,” she said…
I’m not proud of myself but I fucking listened to her. She goes on and on about the man Jesus and his holiness and his bullshit that he went through and I’m thinking, like, I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care shut up you fucking cunt just shut the fuck up stop talking Jesus and let me have some god damned towels from your closet like a fucking hotel you stupid bitch what the fuck is wrong with you…
Finally, she was done and I looked at her and asked her if God had any walnuts for me. She clapped her hands and said “OH GOODNESS! YES HE DOES!” Then she started crying and I started crying again because I suddenly had the feeling that there were no fucking walnuts in this house and I miss the taste so much I think I might kill her or bite her or something. She hugged me and didn’t seem to mind the filth that came off of me and said “I’m so proud of you,” like I’d done something or even acknowledged the fucking bullshit she was spouting. She asked if I had anywhere to go and I looked at the clock and saw that by now the fucking water from my sink had probably made my apartment and all my shit uninhabitable… well that got my own water works going again and I told her no.
She told me that I could stay with her for a while if I wanted and I said that that would be all right and would she mind if I used a towel every once in a while and she said no that would be okay. When I asked her if she had any walnuts, she told me she didn’t like walnuts and I fucking punched her.