I'm sure any of you reading this have been to a bar before, if you haven't, I can't say I recommend it. It's probably the worst invention in the history of all humanity, possibly outranked by those fucking television sets or maybe those phones that you can see through, whatever, the bar is pretty fucking bad. Now if you like bars or if you think that bars aren't as bad as I do, I just want you to know that you're a fucking lunkhead with no chance, I mean ZERO, of contributing anything positive to society. And don't give me that bullshit about scientists who like to go to bars after they break the next quantumn code or the cure for duckwarts or any of that shit. It's bullshit. A real scientist breaks the quantum codes and then goes to sleep! You've gotta be sleepy after that, don't you? And EVEN IF a scientist goes to a bar after breaking into the very fabric of reality, that same scientist will eventually be SAD because NO ONE AT THE BAR EVEN FUCKING CARES! You want to know why? They're in a GOD DAMNED BAR. "Hello, I am in a bar." "yes, what would you like?" "I would like a beer please
Here's the thing. Someone out there might think "well what about bowling alleys? That's kinda like a bar." AND IT IS. But there's BOWLING there. DUH!
So get this: I'm sitting in this fucking bar and it's crowded and there's all these people there and I think to myself, what the hell am I doing trying to learn anything about you stupid overstuffed apes like me and I am drinking this fizzy pop and surveying the crowd all by myself. A man is sitting two stools down from me. It's crowded in there but not so crowded that you can't find a barstool, right? There are two empties next to me, is what I'm saying. Anyway, this douchebag is sitting there like me and some dumbass bitch comes and starts to talk to him. Ugh. I roll my eyes. This is so god fucked boring, right? Well, then I get ot thinking that this could be a nice observation thing for me, even though, it's fucking boring to watch the mating dance of the PUNCHFACES.
Well, they're sitting there and they're CHATTING and they're TALKING and they're FLIRTING, for FUCK'S SAKE, they're doing this bullshit where she'll like touch his arm and he's doing this shit like sneakily putting his arm at the back of her chair. And the space betwixt them gets smaller and smaller and oh god, I'm so bored now, right? And they're LAUGHING. Oh god. My eyes couldn't roll any furhter up into my head. You fuck faces think this is living? You think this is fun? I start to realize that with all my problems (telepathic spiders, mystery girls who disapppear, library bans, troll tolls, flying cockroaches, bigfoots, scary republican douches, and unfiinished erotica waiting for me to finish it) I have got it so much better than these dull dicks. I may be coughing up blood, shitting blood, and pissing blood, but at least I've got some sense of pride.
I predicted it would happen and it did, they got up to leave together. I didn't know what their plan was, but this was a journalistic assignment now and I'd be damned if I'm going to putz out now. So I got up too and followed them outside.
This proved to be problematic for two reasons. One: I hadn't settled my tab. I had only ordered a fizzy pop thinking that later I might order a different drink like orange juice or something, but that thought escaped me. Two: the two borings had only stepped outside for some "fresh air" or something and were just standing there talking. UGH! right? So I'm standing there staring at them and they're staring at me and this dude from the bar opened the door and said "hey you didn't settle your tab" and I said "oh yeah" and so now these two start giggling with the drunken stupor of a thousand chickens and I felt my face starting to do this thing it does sometimes when I get mad or sad where my eyes sort-of convulse, I guess really my eyelids or something. I'm not sure. Anyway, I walked back, paid the dumbasses and stepped outside.
Now the two were just standing there kissing. I stared at them until they noticed me and seemed to get uncomfortable. I asked them if they had any change for the bus (figuring it was the best way to get out of this awkward situation) and the guy gave me a whole dollar.
This isn't where it ends. The two of them had started to fascinate me in a way that's beyond my usual anthropological fashion... there was something different going on here. I took the dollar and walked away a little bit but then I hid behind a few bushes and they had gone back to kissing anyway so they didn't see me anymore. After they were done kissing for a bit, the guy said something to the girl and she said something back and they both looked a little sad but they started walking.
I utilized my ninja skills and began following them stealithily down the street. They walked up to some dumbass apartment building (not bad but just dumbass you know, like with street lights in front of it that worked and all that) and went inside. Now I'm fucking mad. What could they be hiding from me? Why would they keep me out? I took a quick survey of the place and realzied i was fucked. There was no way to get in. I could climb the streetlight and get into one of the apartments that faced the street, but who's to say whose apartment I would enter? It wasn't worth the hassle.
I don't know what to do about any of this. My report is unfinished and they seemed so unhappy, masking it all with a stupid veneer of depravity, liquor, and laughter. I was hoping if I could keep up with them, I would get some more info about what was really going on here. Unfortunately this door is closed forever to me now and I sit here, back at home, staring at my fucking notes wondering if they were, really, some sort of demons or maybe even a type of spider I haven't catalogued yet. I'm tired now and I haven't slept in some time. Maybe if I go back to that bar, I'll see one or the other of them again, but what on earth could they possibly tell me that I don't already know? That they're sick, stupid, and disgusting. That they're tired, anxious, and hoping they don't die?
These are the people in the bars and they're so fucking stupid they make me want to destroy the world. But I can't do that until the grant money comes in.