Satalien (satalien) wrote,

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fucking SHIT what an obituary

No one ever tells me a god damned thing. I'm sitting here, minding my own business, thought I'd take in a movie on TV (I love the way they edit the motherfuckers on public TV stations) and there's some dumbass shit about some fucking dude who jumps around a lot and there's, like, a couple of skeletons in the movie but they're not alive or anything like you'd expect 'cause they usually are when you're watching something like this thing and there are all sorts of craptacular laughing bits where, like, the main guy is trying to find something but he can't seem to find it and then he goes into a room and a monkey dies and I forgot some of the rest of it because what happened next made me so fucking bummed out that I forgot everything else that happened.

Like I said, I'm just minding my own business and I thought I'd flip to another channel during the commercial breaks 'cause the last fucking thing I need is some dumbass on a couch telling me about how my penis should break through brick walls or some other punchface eating a flying taco 'cause food looks better when it's hopping around and being poured (at least that's what these RIDICULOUS ad execs seem to think! I say put the shit on a plate and just take a goddamned video of it because all this leaping of food is driving my shit up a wall!) and there was like, some fucking news? on a spanish channel (I think it was the news but you never know because those shitfaces sometimes make commercials look like news (and by shitfaces I mean ad execs, not spaniards)) and I see that fucking Johnny Depp died!

That's fucking ridiculous!

I don't know much about Johnny Depp, but I know I always loved his shit whenever I saw it, like that hilarious movie about the scissors or when he played the gay pirate (the skeletons were alive then like they fucking should be) I went NUTSO when I heard he was dead, jumping around and throwing up and shit and I started thinking of all the things I knew about him because I thought I should obituatize him.

But then I realized I'd never even read any of those fucking books he'd written and didn't really even know that much about his life! I wanted to do some research but the library doesn't let me in anymore (not since I managed to sneakily stay there after they closed for three nights in a row and put all the books in one section so that the first letter of the first word of their titles spelled THIS LIBRARY HAS THE WORST SECURITY I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING HERE UNMOLESTED FOR TWO NIGHTS (that was on the third night and I got caught while working on the next sentence which was going to say something about Golems) i guess I could have done some fucking research on the internet but when I googled Johnny Depp to look for another obituary to steal from, there weren't any and they said he was going to be featured in some dumbass Willy Wonka movie (I hope they got enough footage before he died!) and some of the sites said he was "hot" but I don't like it when dumbass fundamentalist punchfaces tell you someone's in hell right after they're dead (like they do with the gay dead) so I just gave up.

So I have no obituarity things to say about the great Johnny Depp, but I think he was great as himself in that movie about his life with that spaniard co-starring! (about spaniards: The ONLY thing I don't like about spaniards is that their country is attempting to push Portugal into the ocean! Look at a fucking map and see what the shit is going on to Portugal and it's all still unnoticed by the fucking media and it makes me so mad about what's going on that I want to punch a hole in my wall and fuck it) And I think he will probably make a really really good Willy Wonka if they can make his lips move convincingly!
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