So I packed a suitcase and walked out my door, pretty much unaware of where the fuck I'd head. I decided I'd start off my vacation in the library 'cause I always see so many people there who look like they're travelling there with their suitcases or carts or whatever and they like to play chess, read magazines and sleep. Now that's a pretty sweet life if you ask me, reading magazines and sleeping!!! Also some books too. I thought maybe I could do some research too.
One problem: I forgot how to get to the library from my house. So there I was, on the streets with this bag in my hand and NO WAY am I going back to my apartment from here. This isn't the worst spot I've been in and I actually had a bit of money in my pocket so no big deal. I walked down to a pizza joint I have seen other people walking into before. It was pretty hot in there and lots of people were walking around and I didn't know what the fuck I was supposed to do, so I walked up to the counter and said, trying to be cool (I should never do this) 'HEY, I WANTA PIZZA, EH?' I then played with my mustache which didn't really sell what I was doing at all because I don't have a mustache. The guy behind the counter looked at me and said "What?" 'A PIZZA PIE! A NICEA BIGA PIZZA PIE!' I smiled as big as I knew how. The guy got kinda funnied out it looked like to me and he said "what do you want on it?" Well that threw me for a bit of a loop so I replied 'MOSTACCIOLI!' Now keep in mind, I'm not fucking hungry, I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I don't want anything from anyone really, but this guy gets fucking PISSED. He says "Dude, you know I'm Italian and this is offensive. Get the fuck out of here if you're just playing a joke." Well that really sticks in my craw so I reply, 'I'MA SORRY. I MEANA NO OFFENSE-AH!'
There were some people behind me in line that I didn't realize were there! One of them said, "Buddy, get out of here or order for real." This got a few other people complaining away (fuck you squares) and so I had to beat a hasty retreat or face the MOB yet again.
Fuck, I'm just trying to play along. I don't know what the rules are for this bullshit. Maybe next time they should put a sign up.
So now I actually AM hungry and a pizza sounds pretty delicious to me. So, not even thinking, I head back to my apartment thinking that I can just order a pizza with my phone. I walk inside, sit down on the floor and grab the phone book looking for pizza. I find it, call the first one and order a pepporoni pizza (THEY DIDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY ACCENT!) and they ask where I live. I tell them and then GET THIS! The FUCKERS say they can't drive a pissy ass car over to where I live. It's out of their range. i asked if their cars were limited in how far they could drive in their part of the city. The idiots told me that, no, that wasn't the case, they just couldn't be driving all over the place all the time. Well, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ABOUT. Do you offer delivery or not? They hung up on me after I called the guy on the phone a 'bleeding cuntmop' and so now I think it's time for a real fucking vacation from all these pizza stupids.
I typed this at the library after reading all about whales in some magazine... I hope I can stay here tonight!